Tuesday, May 8, 2001
Got you beat, Jeff. This weekend, I put fish down my pants while dancing to Jump In The Line, then I spanked my own ass with a flip-flop. Later on I received a basket of money from a penguin puppet. |Brought to you with love by Todd - Now with 50% less shame! | Saturday, May 5, 2001 I can't speak for Stuart, but yesterday I lost my street performing virginity. Stu and I, equipped with harmonicas, hopped in forcegravity friend Drew's car and hit the streets. Driving around playing harmonicas to Mystikal's "Shake That Ass" seemed to have caught the attention of a few girls in a car behind us. So, we pulled into a parking lot, jumped out of the car, ran up to the street (where a red light had stopped traffic), threw down a cowboy hat, and serenaded the lucky teenagers with our minstrels. A combination of Stu's Rod Stewart cover and my half-assed attempt at the Muffin Man earned us sixteen cents out of two different cars. I can now consider myself a street performer! |Brought to you with love by Jeff - Will play for food | Friday, May 4, 2001 *beat box sounds emanate from large black guy sitting nearby* *fly caddy draws up, out steps j.dawg, just a swank in his hair* What up my fly muthas? Who be pimpin'? *posse strikes MAD pose* BOOYAH BEEEEEEYOTCH! Ya'll gots mad flava! *posse begins to swagger about, leering at passersby* NOW. Who wants to buy some Corningware? *wakes up in cold sweat* |Brought to you with love by j.ames - casually outrageous. | Friday, May 4, 2001 People often ask me,*1 "Judah, what is the secret of your success with women?", and I tell them: "Acrostics". "Whoa," you say, and also, "back the truck up. You mean those dumb poems where every line starts with a letter in your name?" And yes, those are acrostics, but they are so, so much more. Allow me to support my claim with some unverified, anecdotal, and no, now that I think about it, let's call it "hypothetical" evidence. Let's assume the following hypothetical, ca va dire not-real, scenario: There is a handsome and intelligent young man named Judah, who happens to have mastered the secret of acrostics, and who also happens to sit in the front row of the music lecture hall for a class of his. There is a pretty, no, charmante young lady named, oh, hypothetically, remember, Elizabeth**, who sits in the row behind him, and to the right, conveniently placed behind his right shoulder. How does he win her heart? By arranging his notes, which she could easily read, so that the first line of every word spells "ELIZABETH"**. It's tricky, and sometimes he might miss something the teacher said in the effort, but it's oh-so-rewarding. And if she's the kind who plays hard to get, he can always impress her further by tacking on "RULES". Because, hypothetically, she does. Hypothetically.
Notes: |Brought to you with love by Judah - Hypothetically | Thursday, May 3, 2001
Here's a hypothetical situation for you to consider: |Brought to you with love by Floyd | Wednesday, May 2, 2001 Where the hell is my couch?! |Brought to you with love by Todd - Seriously! | Wednesday, May 2, 2001 Ok, everyone knows that before MC Hammer became an internationally acclaimed "Super-Dope Homeboy From The Oaktown," he was a batboy for my beloved Oakland Athletics. From there it was just a short step to the Chinese Typewriter, a huge mansion, financially suppporting your gigantic crew, and bankrupcy. So, with a view to financial stability in mind, I would like to announce my new job: I am now Team FUN!'s batboy. Yep, pretty soon now I'll be dancing my way to MTV fame and recording hip songs for the Addams Family Soundtrack. But wait...... didn't Hammer go bankrupt? The answer is yes. But I have a plan. SHUN ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE. So pretty soon I won't be talking to you guys any more, becuase you want to leech away my hard-earned profits. Maybe I'll send you a card at christmas or something. (confidential to Adam... that package you're going to send... umm... I moved. My new address is 123 Fake St.) |Brought to you with love by Judah - Parachute Pants Are Go! | Tuesday, May 1, 2001 OOH! How I look forward to Floyd's chocolate taste review. And how I look forward to Swifty's gigantic head getting so big that his pencil neck can't support its weight and he eventually tips over due to an inability to maintain balance. And how I look forward to nickd killing all liberals (including me!)
And, oh, how I look forward to seeing the Beatles in concert this summer! And, yes, how I look forward to stealing Todd's couch for no good reason. And, my oh my, how I look forward to sending Judah a nice little package with something in it. Here's a clue: It starts with an "A" and rhymes with "panthrax". And how I look forward to :: dies :: |Brought to you with love by Adam - MORE THAN A FEEEEELINNNNNN!!! | Tuesday, May 1, 2001
Nick, Nick, Nick! Weren't you even reading? Swifty's head doesn't taste like chocolate! It tastes like orange! |Brought to you with love by Todd - Seriously! | Tuesday, May 1, 2001
Muthafuxen liberalZ.
|Brought to you with love by Nick - Wearer of the Gak | Tuesday, May 1, 2001
I am wearing a gigantic hat. |Brought to you with love by Swifty: And no, my head does not taste like orange. | Monday, April 30, 2001
Some of you may be wondering why this site has seemed so...empty of late. Perhaps you conluded that we were simply overloaded with more important things to do. Foolish, foolish, you. |Brought to you with love by Floyd - Announcer Incoherent | Thursday, April 26, 2001 There is a person that lives in my town you should all be aware of, and avoid at all costs. His name is "Splatterpaint". You see, splatterpaint goes in the lake with us when the waves are up (not by choice, mind you) He pulls up in a splatterpainted Jeep Cherokee and grabs his splatterpainted board out of his splatterpainted board case. He then, honest to god, puts on his splatterpainted bathing suit and splatterpainted rash guard, and covers that in a splatterpainted wetsuit. The best part (and most 80's) is his laser cut. The area where sideburns usually go is shaved an inch above his ear! And he shaves his eyebrows! that is, lines in them like Vanilla Ice! There are two things which are too cool to be copied: Vanilla Ice and the song Surrender by Cheap Trick. The worst part, people, is that your tax money is paying his welfare checks to purchase splatterpainting and laser cuts! Try to not commit suicide. |Brought to you with love by Jeff - Splatterpaint?!?!?!?!!?!??! | Thursday, April 26, 2001 No, you fools. The full name of ITT Technical Institute is "Ittsy-Bittsy Teeny Tiny Technical Institute." This is well-known. |Brought to you with love by Floyd - Anyone want to apply? | Wednesday, April 25, 2001
The full name of the ITT Technological Institute is the Institute of Technological Technology Technological Institute. |Brought to you with love by Todd - Mine? No way | Wednesday, April 25, 2001 I have a question for you all. What does the ITT in ITT Technical Institute stand for? Think about it. What could 2 more t's and an I stand for if not for technological or institute? |Brought to you with love by Jeff - A wise man once said..... | Sunday, April 22, 2001
Adam, at what point did you believe that giving top secret information to the eater of the Gak was a good idea? Before, or after you sniffed those microwaved Gak fumes? |Brought to you with love by Floyd - Oh no! The fumes got to me too! | Sunday, April 22, 2001 Woah Woah WOAH! Alex! What do you think you're doing going off and telling everyone about our plan to blow up their computers? ESPECIALLY the exact time and day? Who do you think you are? I thought we had a deal, missy! I didn't give you that ship-load of hungarian sailors dressed in night gowns to add to your collection, sweetheart! They were a bribe to keep this information on the DL, you catch my jive? Fortunately, I have the smarts to change the code that will make our readers' computers blow up. No longer on Monday at 7:15. All I had to do is edit a couple of lines and presto! -- Tuesday at 7:15! |Brought to you with love by Adam - .... woops. | Saturday, April 21, 2001 Whoa. Hold on a second, pardner/Floyd. I thought it was in FUN!'s top-secret mission statement that we were supposed to hurt readers of this weblog? Why else would there be something in this page's code that causes their computers to explode At 7:15 on Monday? Also, why do good things happen to good people? That seems terribly unfair. Good people cause pollution, you know. |Brought to you with love by Alex - eater of the gak. | Saturday, April 21, 2001
Todd, let me tell you something about microwaving Gak that you may not have realized in all your years as "Microwaver of the Gak." |Brought to you with love by Floyd - Disclaimers save lives. | Saturday, April 21, 2001 Good day. I'm sure some of you noticed the apparent lack of posts between 16th and J.ames's last missive, and I thank you for your concern and enthusiasm for little Team FUN!. Unfortunately, we live in a big wide world of technology that doesn't always work without a hitch, even at a superflute organization like this one. Let me tell you briefly about my search for the error that left us unable to bring you the usual half-assed competence you've come to expect. Everything went normal on the 16th, but on the 17th, Team FUN! was completely blanked. I asked myself if there was any signifigance to the date, as I often do, being a student of numerology (and did you know that the mayans had this amazing calendar and that the world is due to end in blah blah blah blah blah). At first glance, April 17th seems to have no special signifigance, but soon two factors came to my attention. During the early days of April, we experienced the miracle that is daylight savings time, obediantly moving our clocks forward an hour. Now, if the pitas.com computers were messed up, and not only moved it an hour back, but accidentally moved the clocks a whole MONTH back, the date would have been March 17th: to wit, St. Patrick's day, whereupon the computers would have become inebriated and perhaps, in all the confusion, destroyed our carefully crafted posts. I ruled that out pretty quickly on the grounds that it was a complete load of wank, and set about looking for another answer. I figured that computers were fallible, and perhaps the pitas.com computers were simply down for those three days. However, repeated test posts at my own pita went off without a hitch, and I was back to square one. Then, in a dream, a witch, who spoke like my dead grandmother, that is to say in french, told me that if I wanted to solve this mystery I needed to look no further than 'the tail that wags the dog.' I came away from the experience with two thoughts: One, that I should never eat marshmallow creme sandwiches and then fall asleep in the sun, and two, that the culprit was none other than Team FUN!'s resident tail wagger, Adam Zavala Might as well confess now, Adam, the cold hand of science has pointed its bony finger straight at you. |Brought to you with love by Judah - Plus, none of you lazy bastards wrote anything. | Friday, April 20, 2001 J.onah and I drove out to his family's cottage tonight and sat on the dock and drank cheap gas station coffee while munching on oh-so-tasty Salt & Vinegar potato chips. Much love to the chips, the dock, and the cheap coffee. We meandereed along the paths of memories and laughed at jokes old and new, and especially at ourselves. We also laughed at a guy named Rob. Why did we laugh at Rob? What did Rob do to deserve our derisive guffaws? Well... [que flashback] So... I'm following Rob into the garage today, just minding my own business and humming Weezer. Suddenly, Rob cries out in pain and grabs his left ear. He then yells, "son of a bitch! what the hell!?" When I get a closer look, Rob's ear is bright red, and he's violently flailing a rake around, as though trying to take his pain out on it. I stood, quite puzzled, trying to decipher this strange outburst. Was it a schizophrenic fit? A telepathic attack? Commies? No... As the answer dawned on me I burst out into laughter and continued on with this laughter until I got a cramp and my eyes were watering. Rob had stepped on the out-turned tines of a gardening rake and it had swung up, ala Home Alone, and whacked him on the ear. I still get a big stupid grin on my face and start chuckling when I think about it. Anyone else going to Cornerstone? |Brought to you with love by j.ames - manufractured happiness | Monday, April 16, 2001 My generous webmaster and provider of free, unlimited space and bandwith has apparently cut the cable to his machine and gone into hiding. I suspect he's on the run from some Columbian drug czar for who knows what. I have trust, however, that he will [eventually] return, at which point nickd.org and thirtyfour.org, among others, will resume service. Attempts to contact him thus far have proved unsuccessful. On a lighter note, yee-haw! |Brought to you with love by Peter - Only $0.15 a day... | Monday, April 16, 2001
With no disrespect to the Gak, I have an even greater mystery on my hands. According to my site stats, this image was accessed an amazing 336 times from April 1 - April 14. |Brought to you with love by Judah - Dada Dadda? | Sunday, April 15, 2001 Naaah, it'll be okay if you just put it in the microwave for like a minute. |Brought to you with love by Todd - Microwaver of the Gak | Sunday, April 15, 2001 It's stuck in the corner, behind the old heater. It's probably all dry now anyway. You don't want it. |Brought to you with love by Floyd- Keeper of the Gak | Sunday, April 15, 2001 Even MORE importantly, what ever happened to Nickelodeon Gak? |Brought to you with love by Adam - Screw England, Screw Peter. | Sunday, April 15, 2001 More importantly, why the hell is Peter's site down? Now how am I going to vicariously keep it real with my NC jiggas? |Brought to you with love by Jeff - Who the hell is Nick? | Sunday, April 15, 2001 We must strike now, while England is weak. |Brought to you with love by Nick - Why the [expletive] is my site down? | Friday, April 13, 2001
That's right, Todd. Situational comedy is the pinacle of entertainment.
|Brought to you with love by Floyd - Intelligent fruits and vegetables scare me. | Friday, April 13, 2001
So last night was the final dress rehearsal for the production of The Sound Of Music that I'm teching. There was an audience. |Brought to you with love by Todd - D'oh! A deer | Tuesday, April 10, 2001
In a conversation with my girlfriend:
|Brought to you with love by Peter - Yes, indeedy | Monday, April 9, 2001 The setting: School library. Adam doing homework, Joe reading newspaper Adam: So, What do you think of this whole China thing? |Brought to you with love by Adam - Doesn't like Chinese Porn | Monday, April 9, 2001
Everyone knows that Adam has a directory called /hot-sex which is entirely composed of pictures of nickd... But not everyone knows that the demands on this directory are beginning to overload his servers. To this end I propose the Official Unofficial /hot-sex Mirror Project. "How do I participate?" I'm very glad you asked. Just devote a small portion of your own webspace (and really, isn't it small, compared to the joy that is /hot-sex) to mirroring the content of Adam's /hot-sex directory. For example, if I was motivated enough to do it, I would set up a directory at http://mmright.com/gpn/hot-sex, and copy all of the pictures from Adam's server to mine! |Brought to you with love by Judah - Too Lazy to Actually Do It | Sunday, April 8, 2001 I am back. Wit/humour/ability to type coming soon. |Brought to you with love by Jeff - Bahama Mama | Sunday, April 8, 2001 It is official. I am completely without the presence of mind to handle simple, non-complex tasks. Like cooking. Or doing laundry. In a mere two days I have destroyed some of my favorite clothes. Either by shrinking them into oblivion or by staining them horribly with an ink pen in the dryer. I have also attempted to cook an oven mitt at 425º fahrenheit. I failed. I am so ashamed... |Brought to you with love by j.ames - oh goodness no... | Saturday, April 7, 2001
toddlikesmonkeys: adam has a directory called hotsex |Brought to you with love by Todd - bringing shame to your loved ones is an art | Friday, April 6, 2001 I'll have to find a new hobby to replace spearing fish for fun...perhaps I'll take up chainsaw massacres? In all seriousness, though, I'm here tonight to discuss an issue that is very near and dear to my heart: Women's Health. In today's fast-paced world, things change very quickly. Medical technology changes daily, and we must remain informed. This week in Women's Health: My mother is getting less-sick. (not mentally, she still enjoys a good ax-murder...but physically, yes.) At the moment, she is getting over a mild cough. Not all women share her health problems, though. My friend Erika, for example, is coming down with bronchitis. I'm completely healthy, but I consider myself a "girl" rather than a "woman"...two completely different things. I also have a female friend who has a pulled muscle. I hope you found that informative. Yeah, it was weak. I know. |Brought to you with love by Alex - my self-deprecation is merely self-realization | Friday, April 6, 2001 And now, ladies and boys, I present some of our most recent search queries, along with my commentary on them. girls who spear fish for fun very,very,very,very,very,very,very fat girl cats take a picture of yourself without a webcam and see a monkey ass under dress photos lucy liu city of industry fun eye tests online "dance too much booty in the pants" That is all. No. This is all. |Brought to you with love by Adam - Thanks, I'll be here all night. Drinks are in the lobby, and don't forget to buy the book. | Friday, April 6, 2001
|Brought to you with love by Neil - Wicky wicky scratch, wicky scratch scratch wicky. | Tuesday, March 14, 1692 The one you call 'Levine' be receiving his punishment. He art being pressed as we speak. He be speaking some nonsense about Black and White. Beware, ye other heathens. I do particularly keep mine eye on that boy who continues to shake his bottom. Methinks a powerful demon is loose in his pantaloons. |Brought to you with love by Goody Proctor - Blasphemers! | Tuesday, March 14, 1692
Adam, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I'm in trouble. I used the Time Machine to investigate for myself the horrors of the Salem Witch Trials first-hand, but seems the Puritans don't take too kindly to strangers appearing magically in the center of their village in peculiar clothing and with a giant shiny box. They've captured me on three counts of heresy; heresy of thought, heresy of action, heresy of word and heresy of deed - four, four counts of heresy, and if you don't do something quick I fear they may break out the Comfy Chair.
|Brought to you with love by Peter - Please? | Thursday, April 5, 2001
Mmm....mango run ball far. |Brought to you with love by Floyd - Smoooooothie | Thursday, April 5, 2001
I died. But I came back. |Brought to you with love by Todd - I was born in a landslide in the jungle land | Wednesday, April 4, 2001
Although already posted on my own site, I would still like to present to all of you here in the live studio audience, and to all of you tuning in at home.... OLD LADIES ON SCOOTERS!!!... is everyone dead? |Brought to you with love by Adam - Floyd.. i'm scared.... | Tuesday, April 3, 2001
I like to flatter myself that, in some ways at least, I have funk. But then I see something like this, and I know I am not even close to being one with the funk.
|Brought to you with love by Floyd - "Super gre-eg......number ONE!" | Thursday, November 2, 2000 I already did this. |Brought to you with love by Floyd - Quicker than the eye. | Monday, April 2, 2001
I tell ya... I know you're all itching to jump in the time machine, especially for those of you who have never done it before... so here's what we're going to do: You are all allowed to use the Time Machine™ ONLY ONCE without any scolding. So... go ahead. Feel free to travel anywhere in history.. just make sure you tell us what you see. Oh.. and make sure that you come back. Or else I'll have to send Judah to find you. Trust me.. he'll find you. He found Alex, and he'll find you. So.. happy traveling! |Brought to you with love by Adam - Staying home.. no time traveling for me! | Thursday, November 2, 2000
I left a message for people snowboarding in the Sierras to find! I spread the message of love! Of FUN!
 I left the address too, but you can't see it. |Brought to you with love by Floyd - Snowman? Perhaps. Abominable? No. | Monday, April 2, 2001 The phone lines must be really bad between here and Salem, because Adam heard something completely different from what I heard.
phone rings |Brought to you with love by Judah - Adam is mean and he hurts my feelings. | Sunday, April 1, 2001
The Phone Rings |Brought to you with love by Adam - Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money! |  
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