Hey everyone. I'm still sick today. I've spent the day much the same way I spent yesterday - sitting on my couch, reading Tolkien and drawing. So, here's the fruits of today's labor:

[EDITOR'S (yes, we have one of those.) NOTE: Image took too long to load. Sorry. Use the link below. Thank you. I love you.]

click here if the image won't load... (read: I HATE FREESERVERS SOMETIMES!)

It's been a long day, and I've been real sick...

Since there has been so much image-based FUN! lately, I figured I'd give in to the healthy, character-building voice of peer pressure and present to you the following:

That is all.

Today I decided it would be good for his health and my grade to give my overworked and over-accomodating calculus teacher an apple. Maybe just because I wanted to take the picture of him taking it.

He's going for it!

Tornadoes, potatoes, and geeseoes.

In other news... I am sick! woohoo! and I can't eat thanks to my blood tests coming up. So now I sit here on my happy little couch reading Tolkien and posting here when I get up the energy to reach for the keyboard... and somehow - I find this entire situation hilarious. Maybe it's a case of sang freud aimed at myself... (laughing at the pain of others) - or maybe I'm losing it and my body temperature has finally effected my brain chemistry. Or maybe it's all this unholy Ween I'm listening to... hm.. time to put in return of the rentals and smile some more...

I have to agree with you in your dislike for Best Buy, Jeff. I used to fix Macs for people I know just for odd cash before I got into web design - back around the time the first iMacs came out. So, Best Buy starts selling them - and well... their tech support was/is/forever will be abysmal. I can't tell you how many times I intercepted people who were about to take back perfectly good hardware just because they didn't know to install the driver software - and the tech support was too bass ackwards to ask them a simple question like "did you install the driver software?"... I dislike Best Buy tech-fascists (the majority of their techs that I have met are platform staunch OS fascists) with the heat of a thousand suns. Yeah.

I'm going to slump back on the couch now... and remember Potatoes, tornadoes, goosiebobbles.

There are some things in our world that exist for no reason; they're ignored, they're redundant, and they're useless. No one pays attention to them. Are they simply harmless, or are they a threat to our society? Things like banana peels, garden slugs, and "D" batteries appear harmless at first glance, but I believe that underneath the surface lies a much greater evil. This can be fixed, though... it is my belief that these things are merely out of their natural environment, and once returned to their true habitat they will cease to wreak havoc upon us. The problem now lies is dicovering these true habitats.

Action needs to be taken, and I've taken the first step. Through extensive lab research, I have managed to locate the true location of two things -- and it was just a simple mix-up. What are said things?

1. The Surgeon General's Warning

2. The Parental Advisory Label

Sock puppets own.

Here's my little sock puppet story:
Some of you might be familiar with the play Bye, Bye Birdie, which my high school's drama club is putting on. If you are, maybe you're familiar with the scene where Hugo Peabody gets drunk. Off milk.

Well, here's what he did. Hugo happens to be played by a friend of mine named Nick. His brother was in the drama club as well, and played a drunk man. So, to live up to his brother's reputation, he always goes a little over board with the drunk. What he's supposed to do is stumble on, land in the trash can and start his lines. What he did this time was stumble on, land in the trash can, and start his lines talking through a sock puppet.

Needless to say, we found it funny. (Not as funny as the Shriner's scene, though, which Mr. G choreographed and it's just... classic)

You would think that a fine institution devoted to the education of aMErica's youth would be more interested in our nutrition. You really would. I just looked in the candy machine - no red vines! Not even any regular licorice! Ach...

I'm stuck here at my high school (Gateway Charter)and I've just finished skipping my lunch period to go to Wendy's, and more faux teaching in my mentorship class. And since I have nothing better to do, I'll share with you the high points of my day so far.

Wendy's - LoL... sweet lord.... So I'm standing in line with my friends (your basic juvenile delinquents) and my friend Ben goes up to give his order... The guy behind the counter is this really surly old gent who really reminds me of this dream about a hill troll I had when I was younger. I digress... Ben is... a complete nut job. He is renowned for hating people for no good reason. His antics in Walmart are remembered with awe and wonder. And he shoplifts like some sort of greek shoplifting god. So Ben walks up to order from this surly guy- and the first thing the surly guy says is,"man, that is one ugly hat". The rest of us cracked up. Without hesitating, Ben yells, "fuck wendy's bitch!" and starts to walk out- as he gets to the door, he turns back and says, "I'm comin' back - and I'm brining my gat muthafucka!" At which point the rest of us lost it and spent about five minutes laughing uncontrolably. Then Ben shoved a whole packing crate under my friend Maitner's car. He was a busy boy today!

Mentorship - what a waste... I won't even bother relating the events of this brain drain. If I have said the words, "look stop laughing, dammit, thousands of Jews dying is not funny!" once, I have said them a thousand times... these kids don't get it! The holocaust was neither funny nor did it happen with their amusement in mind. Oi...

Medical Tests - wheee! I love medical tests... NOT!

Hello, everyone....It's me, the mad cow. And I have something to say.

Bashing on me publicly is absolutely unacceptable. Do you know how hard I've worked simply to get to this country and eat you all? I had to take a 12-hour flight, IN COACH. Then, the fuckers at United Airlines lost my suicases, and I couldn't even find anyone appetizing for lunch. Yeah, sure, there were infants and everything. But they give you indigestion.

All you people think you're so high and mighty just because you walk on two legs, and aren't usually killed to make hamburgers. Well, so what if I enjoy grazing on succulent grass more than the saturated fat-filled junk you eat? So what if I'm covered with hair all over my full, tasty body? So what if my brain's approximately the size of a golf ball? I still feel.

Hello, everyone... My name is Jason Kottke, and I have something to say.

Bashing on my publicly is not acceptable. I know you all get a big kick out of it, but you know what? It hurts. Deep down, inside, it hurts. I just really wish that you would all stop... I have feelings too, you know.

So what if I'm gay? Plenty of guys are (Sorry, Meg, I had to tell you sooner or later). So what if I sleep with farm animals at night? Plenty of guys do (Sorry, Nick, I had to tell you sooner or later). So what if I prefer sex with inanimate objects? Plenty of people do. (Hello, refridgerator, you don't have to say a word).

Have any of you ever read any Chuck Palahniuk? I know that Alex has. He is, in my opinion, one of the greatest living american authors today. He's coming out with a new book soon (or so I've heard), and I plan to be first in line to see it. Also, his second book, Survivor, is currently being made into a movie. I've heard that Trent Reznor (yes, that Trent Reznor) is either directing or producing it - or possibly both. I'm giddy with excitement at the thought.

Anyone able to shed some light on any of these rumors? E-mail me if you can let me in on any info you might have. Anything would be appreciated - many thanks! And please, if you're not reading Chuck Palahniuk yet, begin to do so immediately. Pick up any of his three books (Fight Club, Survivor, or Invisible Monsters) and read them all the way through in one sitting.

Adam, it's me, Judah from the future. I'm here to warn you not to go back into the past. If you do, we'll end up living in a world where water is lighter than melted wax and lava lamps suck.

Lava lamps will suck!

Sorry.. but I couldn't resist the opportunity to use the time machine...

So I was thinking earlier today about who would play my part in a movie about myself. I have come to the following conclusion-
Bill Cosby.
I mean, who else could be as wacky and zany as I? Bill and I have so much in commen as well. We both adore those wonderful pudding pops, and are both into Jazz music.
I might call him tomorrow to see if he would like to play me in a movie some day. I might just do that.

My friends Nik and Jonah stopped by tonight, just to bug me I suppose (nah, these guys are the best friends anyone could ever hope for, seriously) - and we drove around in Nik's god-awful-massive Buick. We bummed around the Liquid Room (a local goth coffee bar, don't ask...) - and after a while we wound up at the Grand River. We were driving around and decided to stop at Ah-Nab-Ahwen Park. This park is what we like to call an "oops, we accidentally destroyed your culture, raped your land, your women, and generally screwwed up your peaceful and beatiful existance, so we'll make it up to you by building these faux burial mounds... which we accidentally bulldozed too... park". It's basically one big cop-out.

But the view... the view from the top of this faux burial mound - it was amazing. We're standing there, looking out over the Grand River, over the bridges with their lights along their arcs. The water flowing, rippling, reflecting. And the cold ground beneath my feet - the misplaced bones of beatiful people - the concrete pathways - the sound of cars going here, there... it was all... ok.

And now I'm home watching 12 Monkeys, drinking Coke, and enjoying a niiiice long licorice rope. I love you guys.

In response to Alex's post, I must say that she's right, it's a wonderful technique, and it really does work. Don't believe me? Read the follwing, and all your questions will be answered.

Answer me this -- how did Kottke get so popular? There's no real reason for it. It can't possibly be the weblog (if you've read it, you know what I'm talking about), it can't possibly be the amazing, ground-breaking design, and I'm pretty sure it's not the incredible pixelfonts (whoops, minus the "s"). So tell me, how did he get so popular? The answer, my friends, is through Alex's patented technique (which is also trademarked and copyrighted).

I've managed to dig up a copy of Kottke's application (to what? I don't know. Shut up, you're ruining the moment). It sheds some light on why his site became so popular, while still remaining a steaming pile of useless crap. I've also managed to find the source which he copied it from - a book, a wonderful book, a book called "Invisible Monsters" by none other than Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club and Survivor. The original (and abridged) text is as follows:

Going toward the stairs is the exquisite back of Princess Brandy, a silver fox jacket draped over Brandy's shoulders and yards of a silk brocade scarf tied around her billowing pile of Brandy Alexander auburn hair. The queen supreme's voice and the shadow of L'Air de Temps are the invisible train behind everything that is the world of Brandy Alexander. Those big torpedo, Brandy Alexander breasts silhouetted, the wordless beauty of that professional mouth in full face.

As summer nears (which it is most definitely doing...shut up and let me keep my delusions.) I'm sure all of you fellow fun-ites are looking around for summer jobs. I also know that many of you have criminal records, and can probably not get employed anywhere other than a farm, picking strawberries with migrant-workers. Especially Peter, whose deadly tendencies will probably cost him just about any job he applies for. Never fear, kids. Lying on your resume can help you cheat your way up the social ladder! Just watch what happens when we alter this biography of Napoleon for a job that Peter is applying for.

Peter Bourgon was received his military education at Brienne and entered the army in 1785. He was a Jacobin, distinguished himself as a captain of artillery at the seige of Toulon in 1793. Peter was discraced and briefly emprisoned after the Thermidor. He put down the Vendémiarie uprising in 1795, and was pardoned at Barras in 1796 by the commander of the army of Italy following a lightning victory over the Peimontias and Austrians. From this brilliant victory, he created the Cisalpine Republic and imposed peace with the Campo-Formio treaty of 18 Oct 1797.

See? What employer could resist that? Perhaps a particularly cold-hearted one. For the prospective employer with the heart of coal, try altering the words to an explanation of the role of Lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell, in the immune system. Who could resist hiring a man/woman who singlehandedly rids the human body of harmful pathogens? Only Satan, that's for sure.

Peter Bourgon are the smallest white blood cells and are the backbone of the immune system. Peter Bourgon fight viral infections and assist in the destruction of other parasites, bacteria and fungi. One group of Peter Bourgon called T-cells regulates the immune system's response to invading organisms and is the body's main defense against viruses and protozoa. A second group called B-cells manufactures a kind of protein called an antibody or immunoglobulin. Some Peter Bourgon attach to the surface of foreign organisms or the cells they have invaded and summon a group of proteins in the Woodstream called the complement system to surround the infected organism or cell and dissolve a hole in it.

While perusing Newsweek this morning a couple things of interest to the viewers of Team FUN! caught my eye. One was this picture:

Now I'm not one to be afraid of slow moving herbivores, but that is one vengeful-looking motherfucker. I mean, look at that gleam in his eye! All I can say is that I hope the photographer was on assignment in Europe when he took that picture, because this cow looks ike he would happily travel a few measly hundred miles in order to eat/infect/humiliate me.

On a related note, I noticed that the town of Grand Rapids, home of the Amazing Jeff got some attention when the principle of a local high school was quoted on dress codes.

"I just can't allow Jennifer Lopez dresses," said Diane McMillan, principle of Ottawa Hills High School in Grand Rapids, MI [in response to inquiries whether she was afraid of the local cow population*] .--source: Newsweek Magazine, March 12, 2001

*grasps keyboard firmly with both hands. bludgeons self forcibly with it*

I've had the Lost Highway soundtrack great CD by the way) blasting for about two days straight now. (and Ween's The Mollusk) And all because I had to give my friend 'Nah his copy of Pisces Iscariot back... *sniffle*

Uhm, anyway. Those puppets sound great! Where can I get one?

Ariana - Michigan is... well, I don't know *shrugs* I just live here. Australia doesn't sound so bad - nice weather, pleasant beaches, attractive people milling about, fun accents, etc. We here in Michigan have been blessed with the great midwestern non-accent.

In light of recent events, you may now e-mail me from this link until I can be bothered to list my e-mail address somewhere more permanant. Y'know, just in case you felt like dropping me a note sometime. Not that I need any more frivolous little letters to deal with.

I lied. I'm so lonely.

Hey, J.ames! I was quite excited to hear of another FUN! Australian when I first heard there was one. Considering how location is listed on the FUN! profiles (city/town, state), do you think any back water types would mistake Australia for a state? We have states, but their names are nowhere near as interesting as the American ones, so we don't bother. Anyhoo. I don't know that much about Michigan, but seeing as everyone seems to live there it must be a FUN! place.

I'm back from UCSC (beach) where I spent a lot of time investigating the scholastic prospects (pretty undergrads) offered there, and I had a great time. But now I'm happy to be home, and I'm happy to be reunited with my beloved digital camera, with which I share an unnatural bond.

Anyway, to welcome the illustrious J.ames, let me say, "yo." And let me say it with a picture.

Well, uh, as far as the allegations that I am a counterpart of Jeff's drug induced schizophrenia... well, frankly I can't think of a convincing argument at the moment. So I suppose it stands to reason that I am a psychotropic figment of Jeff's opiate fueled imagination.

Well, as far as "Grand Haven" kids go, I haven't really heard much of anything. I go out to the beach there at night occasionally to scream or look at stars, or whatever, but I've never really spent time in the city.

Jimmy Carter isn't lousy... he's just old. - and actually I think there is HFH in Australia (I could be wrong, but we have international affiliates all over. I'm going to bloody Uganda this summer, so I figure Australia's gotta have an affiliate).

I would like to take full credit in Adam's realization that J.ames (me) does not live in Australia. This is how I figured it out: