I have a picture of the man behind the music here

|Brought to you with love by Alex - Getting in touch with her gangster side |

In other kidnapping news, I will strike tomorrow! Yeehaw! Everyone lock your windows and doors! I'm coming in!

|Brought to you with love by Adam - Needs to archive FUN! |

Where have I been for the past... week? Well... it's a long story.

First, I was kidnapped by Adam and stuffed into a small burlap sack. Then, I was flown out on a small cargo plane to Adam's hometown, wherever that may be. I was on a plane filled with live biological specimens of dung beetles, so their excrement leaked into the sack almost constantly. I found a way to make my own stew from the little Sprite I had and the hay on the plane floor. Problems aside, the trip there was uneventful, and I was dragged out by a 300 lb. man named Boris Dushniyev. I was unceremoniously thrown in the back of a truck, where I was then drove to Adam's place of residence, if one would actually call it a "place." It's more of a vast underground lair entered by a log cabin deep in the forest. Some thirty floors below ground, I was put in a room with a large video camera, a television monitor, and a loudspeaker. Wires were running from various parts of my body, and the loudspeaker barked back at me. It was Adam's voice.
"To my left, I have a dial. To my right, I have my webcam. If you do not constantly dance to the various bad music selections I give you, I will turn up the dial, and you will feel excruciating pain," barked the brace-less voice from behind a pane of glass.
Then, the strains of Haddaway - 01 - What Is Love.mp3 came on the radio. I was forced to bounce my head for four minutes straight. It was a fate worse than death. This continued with other songs for about six days, and I was released and shipped back to Chicago. I then hitchhiked my way back to my house.

|Brought to you with love by Nick - Writing this at 2:42 AM |

my throat hurts, but it's satisfying. pain is good when it's endured in the name of funk. i spent the last evening as my alter ego Maude with my near and dear companion Junk, as we painted the scene green. this mostly involved shouting phrases such as, "Funkdify yo' vibraphone, and love one-annutha", whist graphite grafitti-ing any light colored surface with psalms from the Funktionary, [the bible of all that is rock solid.]

in other news: i have fallen to the knees of god blogger, and now have my own shrine to prove it.

|Brought to you with love by meg - is funkalicious, yo. |

Hotmail sucks

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - The Ill Times article is not true |

No offense to Adam, but you are wrong. One CAN be imprisoned for raping someone even if they aren't a citizen of the United States. Good news to all the rest of the crew, especially Judah if he cares. The Jayhawks are back on tour! The new album "Smile" is good, but had the impossible task of following "Sound of Lies". Unfortunately, if you want to see the Jayhawks, you have to put up with thousands of twelve year old girls while desperately getting the hell out of there before Matchbox Twenty gets on stage. I had the pleasure of seeing the Jayhawks with Maypole (and Wallflowers) 3 years ago, and therefore justify avoiding them with Matchbox Twenty.

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Proud subscriber to the Dixon Theory (see smapdi.org) |

I've gotta go now - I've got beans and a mouse I caught cooking over my fire, and I think they're about to burn, so, this is the end.

|Brought to you with love by Adam - Excellent Camp Cook |

Unfortunately, Jeff, I believe the aliens also removed the area of my brain reserved for the names of famous Jewish Canadian peacekeepers. Damn them!

|Brought to you with love by Alex - I hate squirrels. |

Last night I was plagued by FUN!, it was everywhere I went. Even at the grocery store I had fun (like I always do when I am bored). Stu Bergstrom and I and a few more people were hanging out before seeing the greatest movie ever made. I bought one nectarine and I bottle of pineapple orange juice and checked myself out in at the "u-scan" in Spanish. They put that option on there for the Spanish population, but nobody can use it without being stared and laughed at, even Hispanic people. Anyway, back to the movie. "Art of War" starring Wesley Snipes and a Michael Rappaport look-alike was perhaps the funniest movie I have ever seen. However, it wasn't a comedy. The first hint to get the hell out of there was in the previews. A commercial came on for the greatest invention ever made; the graphing calculator. And not just any graphing calculator, a purple one, made by Casio. Look out Nick, you're in for some competition. When the "cool" kids (like Seth DeGram) see these pretty colors and how much more popular one gets when carrying a graphing calculator, you're screwed. So the movie e had to top that sort of humorous beginning. You wouldn't think it would be popular, but mission accomplished. Considering the whole thing was an inadvertent racial slur against Asian people, one can't take it too serious. The greatest part of the movie was when a Jewish man said, in all seriousness, "I don't want to be another one of those famous Canadian peacekeepers." I would like to see one of two things from my friends at fun. Either name three famous Canadian world peacekeepers, or give me three Jewish Canadians.

And Alex, I consider myself to be somewhat of a music buff and I couldn't let this slide. Stu and I both noticed that James Brown hardly wrote "Super Freak", that was Rick James. Wrong cocaine addicted pedophile, sorry. We still love you though.

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Saw his gay 6th grade teacher at the movies at 2 a.m. |

.C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.ahb6.C3z6CxC. .C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.fHmc.DhzYC3P0C3vZDNfZ. .C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.fHmg.C3D6Dxz7CW. .C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.ahb6.b3jZDxP2CG. .C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.fHmc.C3DZCxPWCNzWDNnX. .C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.bNn7.C3f6Chj2DNy. .C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.fHmc.C3DZCxPWCNjXDhD2. .C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.bNb2.CxPZC3D0CNj0Chz1ChP6ENPZ. .C3nZC3nZC3nXC3z1DhfYC3nX.fHmc.C3DYCxzZDNfXDxD2.

|Brought to you with love by Stuart - Brought to you by the CAT barcode scanner from Radio Shack |

Where hast meg been?

[I hate it when I slip into third person, it's a dangerous place to be in.]

I shall tell you about my whereabouts, my fine fertile readers. In the Mecca that is Helena, MT there is one hub of our circuit that all hip-like teenagers such as myself must frequent, this being SMOKEY'S Discount Tobacco and Gas. This lovely establishment houses all that is dear to your heart and mine; cheap slushies, men that buy porn, and microwaveable one serving meals. Not so long ago I was loitering in Smokey's with a few of my comrades, when something caught my eye-- a modest cardboard box boasting a gaggle of neon orange walrus shaped sipper bottles. You don't get much closer to the Holy Grail, and the Holy Grail isn't usually the bargain price of 99 cents, [including the beverage that you choose to fill it with.] My posse had already begun an in depth conversation with the cashier, about his pending probation on the cultivation of marijuana, he was obviously a winner. I handed this man my one dollar bill, and he begrudgingly opened the register to retrieve my change. To my amazement, he hands me back 9 bucks and a penny. SCORE. I am positive that this has been the most fruitful transaction of my earthly life.

|Brought to you with love by meg - is high class, yo. |

And not in the way James Brown meant it.

|Brought to you with love by Alex - I like the boys in the band |

I admit I was a bit curious to find out who Adam's victim-to-be was, and so I did a bit of digging. First, I located the region which uses an airport in the Southwestern states as a connecting hub for Portland for all major airlines, and this narrowed the search to the Southeast states. From here, I searched for any areas with campgrounds 3 to 6 miles from any major centers of inhabitation. This yielded 12 cities in Georgia, 6 in South Carolina, and 2 in Florida. Next, I found which of these had businesses that would rent cars to those under 21.

The results were a bit surprising. Adam, it seems you are not, in fact, planning to kidnap any member of Team FUN!, but instead a 62-year-old hispanic man from Fellsmere, Florida. Sadly, he probably has no idea you're coming, and will continue to sit on his torn EZ-Boy recliner sipping from a week-old can of Budweiser watching reruns of Three's Company until your fateful arrival.

Please be merciful.

|Brought to you with love by Stuart - Delusional and oh-so-FUN! |

Beware.

|Brought to you with love by Adam - Getting Closer |

Shit Peter, watch out! Only eighty dollars of that money was mine, the rest was my brother's drug money. Seriously, if a large redneck named Shane approaches you with a rebel flag and an assault rifle; RUN. I know this is a fairly common occurence down in North Carolina, but do it just to be on the safe side. Right now Shane is out 1.6734 kilos of pure, uncut cocaine and I am sure he is not happy.

P.S. Where do you guys (and girls) all go to chat amongst yourselves and why won't you let me in? It sure as hell isn't #teamfun as originally indicated.

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Using semicolons inappropriately |

I seemed to have been left out of Adam's laundrylist of victims. Perhaps this means I'm safe. Then again, perhaps this means I'm his main target? The world may never know.

Jeff, I did in fact find your money. You left it in a suitcase hidden in a trashcan on the corner of Martin Luther King Blvd. and 42nd Street. But it seems you miscounted: there's at least thirty or fourty thousand dollars here. I'd check your wallet again.

Quick! Someone say something silly to lift my spirits.

|Brought to you with love by Peter - On the Lookout |

Jeff bugged me to write an update, so I promised him I would write one today. I'm an hour late by my time. Sue me.

I watched American Beauty today. What a fantastic movie. What well-developed characters. I thought I was going to convulse in another symbolism-related overdose.
I got a Palm IIIxe, which really isn't a Palm IIIxe, it's an IBM WorkPad, but it's got the same specs as a Palm IIIxe so I call it one. Deal with it. It rocks. My dad gave it to me in a $80 Coach leather case. I'm afraid I'm going to damage it or something. Seriously.

|Brought to you with love by Nick - WRITING IN CAPS FOR NO REASON |

BEWARE!!!!

|Brought to you with love by Adam - On the Prowl |

First, I would like to apologize for Stu as well. One day he will realize that he isn't in band and he should stop following them around.

Now, I wish I could post something FUN! but I can't. The truth is, today sucked. I went to court to fight a ticket (apparently cops have nothing better to do at 11 p.m. on the fourth of July than pull me over for driving in a parking lot). I did get the two points removed from my liscence, allowing me to drive between the hours midnight and five ante meridian. Also, I did not have to pay the seventy dollars, only sixty. But still, sixty dollars for something so lame? On top of that, I am missing another 60-80 dollars in North Carolina (Peter if you find it, I want it back). Then, as if my day didn't suck enough, I went to the lamest excuse for a dance club I have ever seen. Minivans pulling up dropping off 14 year olds looking to be raped, bad music, bad people, and bad dancing. I broke the first rule of clubbing; never go to a hometown club. You already know and hate the people there. Just bring your friends out of town and your home free.

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Will have sex for money....or clean fish tanks |

Before I start: All apologies for my absense.

Now, down to business. Band camp went as well as band camp can. I met a lot of great new people (especially the female kind), learned some stuff, and yada yada yada. It was truly Not That Exciting(tm). It also gave me the chance to build a thick and painful sunburn on the left side of my neck: one faces the same way almost all of the time while he is marching.

Since coming home, I've been undertaking the task of not doing very much at all. Mostly, I and my friend have reverted to our usual routine of driving around yelling with a megaphone at people wearing visors on backward and upside-down. Last weekend, we challenged a group of people playing volleyball on the beach to, well, play volleyball on the beach. They didn't oblige. So, we asked them with the megaphone. Still nothing. So, we left. Then we came back and asked again. This time, however, a large, stupid heifer of a man came over to our car and asked to see our megaphone. We clearly couldn't fathom what he would do with it, so after some deliberation, we gave it to him. And he used it to- get this- YELL AT US!!! He was from Wisconsin.

After this, we had the idea of one of us (Jeff Dewitt) donning a bear suit and walking around downtown. We did this. By this time it was after dark, so we went to the beach again and considered having "Beach Bear" sit down- romantically, mind you- next to one of the couples enjoying the view of black sky and no waves on Lake Michigan. Instead, BB found a couple of nice girls walking along the water. It was now that we made the discovery of a lifetime- wearing a bear suit gets chicks. Note to potential pedophiles and kidnappers- we were able to get them into the car in under five minutes. Bear suits could work for you too!

Now I have the task ahead of me of reading Slaughterhouse-Five and Brave New World, both of which I picked up today at Barnes and Noble in Muskegon. I've got some reading to do, so I'll end this here.

|Brought to you with love by Stuart - Back in black |

I would like to share something very amazing with all of you. At the grocery store near my house, there is a horsie ride...that operates on pennies. You put in a penny, and it runs for three minutes! The possibilities are endless! For example: If you wanted to ride the horsie all day, it would cost only $4.80! Less than five dollars for hours and hours of FUN! In fact, for only $33.60 (and, of course, what remained of your dignity) you could stay on for a WHOLE WEEK. By the fifth day you'd be delirious, starving, and stinking...but that's not the point. The point is, it's FUN!

|Brought to you with love by Alex - I'm a calculating machine, baby! |

Item: I have to fence tomorrow. There was too much hair to comfortably stuff in my mask.
Secret Item: I dig it when girls come up and rub my head for luck.
I apologize if this comes as a shock to my hair's admirers, but change had to be made, and in three short weeks it will be combable again anyway.

|Brought to you with love by Judah - 5 lbs. lighter |

Well, Ice is back with a brand new invention! The weather was good, the waves were gooder, and the women were gooderest. I thank Dr. Peter for the advice, though I have experienced most of those items through trial and error. I hope I wasn't hitting on your girlfriend, but if she was 13 and ugly, it may have been her. I finally realized where Pinehurst was because of the kick ass golf there. However, Peter, I suggest you go to the ocean more, but I have a couple tips for you. Don't whine about crabs. Don't whine about jellyfish. You may whine about losing a leg to a shark. And a tip for all- hot girls flock to the beach like seagulls, so go and be merry.

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Is that really illegal? |

Judah, I'm pleased to note that your time travel and subsequent return resulted in absolutely _no_ changes to space-time. For instance, people still have forked tongues, we still worship Adolf Hitler Our Sole Savior And God, we still preen ourselves when we get dirty, we still use back issues of the Fantastic Four as luxury toilet paper (by the way, it's not a toilet anymore. We all use only bidets.), and it still rains large cattle every Sunday at 5:32 PM.

Thank your lucky stars that you didn't do anything damaging!

|Brought to you with love by Nick - SIEG HEIL! OR SOMETHING! |

Also, I hope those two guards I nutted on the way out of that primitive jailhouse weren't important personages, cause one of them didn't look like he'd be having any more children.

|Brought to you with love by Judah - Back to the future |

So I have decided to start blaming my problems on my speech impediment. Now, in all reality, I don't actually have a speech impediment, but for the sake of my need of a source for my problems and something to blame (other than rational reasoning.), I have decided that I now have a speech impediment.

|Brought to you with love by Adam - Has P-P-P-P-Problems |

BTW, Nick: I happen to think NickD.org is BETTER than sex!

|Brought to you with love by Alex - Let's do the time warp again... |

S.W.I.F.T.Y. Dream Generator.

Moving right along, damn. I haven't posted to FUN! in ages. What seems like scads of time. Now I don't know anything about the temporal vortex Alex got herself sucked into, or the efforts made by Judah to save her, so hopefully that'll all unfold in due time.
But I digress. I come today to write about an email I sent to the email list of a rather popular site. An email that outlines an act I peformed: an act so blindly, fantastically stupid that human society would have a collective heart attack at hearing of it. With that in mind, onward!: (Note that this email is sent pretty much unaltered save only the deletion of much cursing.)

To: groupmonkey@egroups.com
Subject: [groupmonkey] i am the stupidest idiot of them all.

okay.
some british guy sent me an email, and he works for the british government. said that london is throwing a huge math fair festival type thing in early january next year, and asked if ticalc.org wanted to get in on the ground floor - promotions and that sort of thing.
basically, our site has never had any kind of commercial exposure - and this is non-profit, so it would still fit our whole "we don't want to make any money you capitalist bastards" thing. so, needless to say, i defecated my pants.
after cleaning it up, i calmly collected myself and wrote a reply to him saying that i wasn't the one to ask, but our editor-in-chief and founder (2 different people) were the ones to contact. gave email addresses, really nice about it, et cetera.
hit send.
five seconds later i realized something, my nickd.org signature was still on. so what the [censored] is some professional guy going to expect out of a professional response on a site that's *supposed* to be professional - a signature that has the words "almost as good as sex"!??!#(!@#*#&!@#@
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM GOING TO EXPLODE
at least i gave him to people who won't do something as mindnumbingly, blatantly stupid. *darn* *it.* i am irked and chafed soooo much. *furrows brow*

|Brought to you with love by Nick - math geek and loving it for some unfathomable reason |

Wish me luck!

|Brought to you with love by Judah |

Help! It seems that I've been trapped in the 1890s...Early this morning I fell into a glowing blue portal in my closet, and awoke on a cobblestone street. I almost got run over by a horse-drawn carriage. In fact, I'm only able to communicate with you through the modifications I made to an ordinary typewriter (I'd try to explain it to you, but you just wouldn't understand) Anyway, if anyone knows how to reopen that time-portal, please do. They don't even have TV here. I'm getting bored, and people keep looking at me funny.

|Brought to you with love by Alex - having more fun than YOU |

I got Alex's books today. They are, quite possibly, the greatest works of literature known to man. Who WOULDN'T want a list of accidents at metallurgical works in the United States during the year 1924? It's so enthralling!

I'm also pleased to note that this is the first post in the past three where an extended hiatus is not taken. Yay. Yes, I'm still around and alive, but lots of things In Real Life(TM) have detained me from my fun-making duties.

Oh, and I'm also oh-so-very-close-to-done with reading One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. It's quite a delicious book. Some more off-topic stuff: I have to take a calculus placement exam for my college in the near future, despite the fact that I got a 5 on my BC Calculus test. Damn dang darn!

|Brought to you with love by Nick - tired of typing his URL over and over and over again |

Well, this is my last post for about ten days. I am finally making my yearly rounds to Nags Head, North Carolina. Peter, I don't know where the hell Pinehurst is, but if it is on the ocean, you'd better make sure there are waves waiting for me.

However, before I go, I would like to offer a word of advice to all the single guys out there. First off, what they say is right (assuming they say that women want what they think they can't have). Guys, find a friend that is a girl, and just hang out and walk around with her. I have a hot as hell friend in town that is female, obviously, and as I have been with her, I have been hit on by all kinds of women. So have FUN! and I'll post later.

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Swimmin' in it |

Over and out.

|Brought to you with love by Judah |

Hey, Jeff: Could you get me that alcoholic stud's phone number? Kidding. Please don't.

|Brought to you with love by Alex - Now downloading lots of Weezer |

In answer to Nick's question, NO it is not bad to pirate a bootleg of a concert you have been to. I wish I could have, but instead I was raped of fourty bucks to hear a shitty recording of the show. It is, however, a sin against musicians to put songs on a compilation C.D. that you do not intend to own, or to keep an mp3 for more than 24 hours. ;)

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Music Extraordinaire |

I took a long-needed respite from my crack-snorting (cough) to write this FUN! update. Feel honored.

I'm presented with a quandary: is it wrong, legally, to pirate a bootleg of a concert you attended, and can provide the ticket stub as attendance? I mean, you're just hearing it again. Does "ADMIT ONE" mean that you're only supposed to hear the concert once, and that's it? This is very confusing to me.

My web site is near getting its 20,000th hit. Yay! :D

|Brought to you with love by Nick - Mysterious masked stranger |

I went riding mini-motorcycles over the weekend, and damn it kicked ass! Cruising through the dirt at (fairly) high-speeds is absolutely thrilling - even for the most inactive and conservative of people such as myself. Dodging rocks on the trails and bouncing over jumps was just something I never could have pictured myself doing...but once I hopped on that bike, I couldn't stop. Well, at least, not until my hands blistered in every direction. Nevertheless, even without gloves, it was an awesome experience. You know you want to try it sometime merely so you can be as studly as me on a motorcycle.

|Brought to you with love by Matt - Biker extraordinaire |

This has been a most interesting last two days. Yesterday, I had a drunken twenty-five year old asshole try and fight me for trespassing on my own property. He pushed me, in front of a police station no less, and I just had him arrested for assaulting a minor. FYI, he just got out of jail for assaulting a seventy-five year old man with a barstool. Yes, he is quite a magnificent catch, and girls, he's single and likes fourteen year olds (Alex, if you are interested). Luckily, he will die soon due to his list of diseases and alcoholism. Then, in perhaps the most interesting thing in the last ten years of our quaint little town of Grand Haven, MI, today there was a public suicide attempt. You may decide for yourself if it was FUN or not. Some dumbass got on top of one of the historic DownTown Grand Haven buildings threatening suicide. Apparently he didn't know that he was only two stories high and had a large knife in his hand. Anyway, the police came and closed the stores and cleared away all the people (except I just watched from my sister's store across the street) and tried to talk him down. Then, the police made the first mistake. They called in psychologists instead of sharpshooters. The cops should have just given him a damn gun with one bullet in it and told him to fucking end it or go home and do it. Instead they wasted taxpayers time and money trying to get him down. It ended by one guy bringing him a soda, and another policeman grabbing him. And get this, the cop didn't even throw the asshole off or shoot him or anything, but instead took him to the asylum, where he will be given some Vitamin H (or Halodal) and Prozac and be on the streets tomorrow.

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Mentally Disturbed? |

Well, after three bulleted lists and whatever the hell that was Meg posted (I gave up on acrosswordpurpleelephantvietnam), I decided to post on FUN! to remind the little kiddies out there that IRC and crack cocaine (which is usually not snorted, whichever of you 16 year olds posted that) are very dangerous. I am frankly afraid to ask what network #ti is on, because ten seconds after I do, I will go in there and be scared to death by scary NickD and the calculator creeps.

|Brought to you with love by Judah - REDESIGN |

becausethelastthreeentriesofFUNhavebeensuchnicelylaidoutbull
etedlists,ithoughtthaticouldtaketheopportunitytopostsome
thingthattakesmorestaminatoread.withouttheluxuryofspaces
betweenwords,you;thereader,maybecomemoreadeptatspottingt
heintendedmeaningofletters..orsomething.thinkofitasacros
swordpuzzle,ormaybeawordfind.thosearetwoabsoultelymeanin
glessactivitiesthatrequiremuchtoomuchbrainpowertoevenwor
ryabout,yetpeopledothemanyway,inthenameofFUN.peopleareha
rdtocomprehend.endofstory.

|Brought to you with love by megneedsmorespace. |

Hello all you happy people once again. And, once again, I have an update on Levine's life!

Levine's computer is totally functional. Furthermore, he's getting a cable modem in less than 24 hours.
I hate him.

Why is it that Mentos are so irregularly shaped? They're too round and smooth for my liking. Give me a hard Altoid any day of the week.

|Brought to you with love by Nick - Scratchtasia 2000 |

Goodbye everybody, and I'll see you soon!

|Brought to you with love by Stuart - Cheery as always |

The rain sucks. Tourists suck. The cold weather sucks. There is no fun to be had anywhere around here. So I will pick up and head to the ocean. North Carolina or bust, baby. There is a hurricane forming off the coast of Africa right now, for all weather(or wether) buffs. Five days until Alberto hits the Carribean and hopefully it heads up the U.S. coast.

|Brought to you with love by Jeff - Hoping for big waves and better times |

<cubey> a girl was sitting on my bed ;p
<cubey> in my room
<cubey> with me alone
<cubey> I got nervous and I didn't know what to do
<cubey> so I opened up an xterm and did a traceroute to act busy
<cubey> yeah I suck BAD
I know I posted that already on my site, but that just needs to be spread as much as humanly possible. This is what IRC does to you, kiddies. :)

|Brought to you with love by Nick - master of outlandish Friend Bear references |

My name has been changed to protect the innocent.

|Brought to you with love by Judah - Quite amused |

Thursday, August 3, 2000

I have a very important message for you all. In spite of the fact that I am posting roughtly the exact same thing I'm about to say over on my page, I feel it is important to get this little bit of information out to as wide of an audience as humanly possible.

I have officially met the Terminator - Arnold Schwarzenegger. If you don't believe that that is really him, screw you - because it is.

|Brought to you with love by Adam - Back in Black |

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